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25: Communication is the key to a healthy relationship including how you communicate

I think we all agree that good communication is key to a healthy and loving relationship. As we exit a marriage lack of communication is usually one of the factors that contributed to the end whether it was lack of or unhealthy communication patterns.

In my work as I coach women going through separation and divorce pretty close to 100% of them will tell me that poor communication or lack of contributed to their divorce and that good communication skills are a must in a new relationship.

And I get and agree. But there is something many don't look at or think about and that's their own communication style. We all have a default where we go when triggered or if we feel under attack or somehow unsafe in sharing how we feel. Do you become avoidant, argumentative, loud, quiet..? 

The only thing you can control is your communication. What you choose to say and how you choose to respond to the other. You can't control anything they say or do. Those choices lie with them. 

Are you communicating in a way that creates safe space for the other person to share what is in their heart? For them to learn how to communicate effectively with you and vice versa?


  • Before you make a list of what you want in a (future) partner and how you would like them to communicate, think about how you need to communicate with them to foster good two way communication.
  • Reflect on how you can improve your communication style and gain clarity on how you want to show up in a relationship. 
  • Get to know your boundaries and learn how you want to communicate those effectively and compassionately.
  • Allow space for the other person to grow into good communication with you especially if they don't come from a background that has encouraged that in the past.
  • Also look at your communication patterns and relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Learn about yourself before you create requirements for others.
  • Know how you want to extricate yourself from a situation that is not going well so you don't end up getting triggered and losing control of how you are communicating your feelings. These are learned skills available to everyone.
  • Get help with this ideally before you enter a relationship. And also when in a new relationship to create a healthy patterns early on. 

And I would like to invite you to join our coaching call and conversation about all of this inside the Rising Free membership. Every week we meet to discuss various topics related to separation and divorce and the healing that needs to happen. We talk about overcoming abuse, codependency, co-parenting and so much more. In March I will be running a call on how to communicate effectively, compassionately and lovingly. And I would love for you to join this and the other calls. The link to join Rising Free is below. And when you join, not only will you enjoy the calls, but also the community of supportive women who will become your friends. As you are listening to this episode and reading these notes I will be packing for a retreat I am running in Costa Rica. Many of my Rising Free members are joining me there and I can't wait for us all to finally be in person with each other. And I know they are very excited as well. 

Take this step for yourself, your healing and your future. Join Rising Free to receive coaching, support, sisterhood and healing. I'll see you in March on our calls.